The Challenge of Life

Jak's first concert!!

2011-03-15T16:18:00.003Z

Help Tuna!!!!!!!!

2011-03-10T16:37:00.002Z

John West or John Worst? Send your email now

Share 13,812 emails sent!

John West is one of the largest tinned tuna suppliers in the UK, but it's also one of the worst.

That's because to catch tuna, John West uses one of the worst fishing methods around, catching sharks and turtles, and possibly even dolphins in its nets.

Tell John West to change their tuna and move to more turtle-friendly (not to mention shark-friendly) fishing methods. We've already made Princes and Tesco improve their policies - let's do it again
please paste this into your browser for the link..

http://www.greenpeace.org.uk/fishfight?utm_source=20110309ebulletinprinceswinfull&utm_medium=email&utm_term=fishfight&utm_campaign=oceans

They grow up too fast!!!!

2011-03-10T16:12:00.002Z

The monsters trying to outscare the dinosaurs.

India won!

I HAVE BEEN TO THE GYM TODAY

2010-11-01T16:51:00.001Z

that's it. there's nothing more I need say...

Corsica in Autumn - wonderful!!

2010-11-01T16:41:00.006Z

Texas Hot!

2010-07-02T12:57:00.008Z

We had a fabulous trip to visit Gaby and Luis, and all our family in Texas!

Boy, it was hot! How do people live in that heat every day?! I almost died!
But now we're back home, I am really missing it, espeically as the UK is hot too at the moment and we have no air conditioning.

Gaby did everything she possibly could to make our trip wonderful - I just need a vacation now to get over the vacation! We went to San Antonio, Pedernales Falls and met and re-met many members of our extended family.

British Airways upgraded us for the return flight, how wonderful is that when you are tired and travelling with three young children! Despite all BA's troubles and my ever-present fear of flying, how I love them!!

The Horrors of Black Henna Tattoos

2009-09-09T15:51:00.015Z

I really hope people find this page before getting a black henna tattoo, and not afterwards, as I did.

We were walking down the beach on our second-from-last day in Santorini. We spotted a young woman on the beach braiding hair, and , of course, my daughter wanted her hair braided to show her friends when she got home. Next to her stand, was another young woman doing "henna tattoos". Great! Something for my son too, so he wouldn't feel left out. I am a careful mum - OK, I am a bit over-protective. Henna is a natural substance, right?

wrong.

Black henna, as this turned out to be, is far form a natural substance.

Take a look at these pictures... these were taken several days alter, after we had returned to the UK. I took him to the doctors in the morning, about 4 days after the tattoo had been done. He was prescribed steroids and antibiotics. His arm was hurting and swelling. That night, he was very sick, and threw up several times.

from this...

to this horrible mess...

I went on line to read about henna - and realised my dreadful mistake.

Please, please, please think very hard before letting your child have a black henna tattoo - although it has now faded, there is every chance my beautiful 10 year old's arm may have permanent scarring...

You can imagine how I feel looking at these pictures. I am exposing my own ignorance in the hope it might help another child (or adult) avoid this dangerous substance.

It makes me feel sick.

Please avoid having these done...

Super Sunny Santorini!!!!!!! and Gaby's visit

2009-09-08T12:12:00.009Z

12th July is "I love you" day...

2009-07-13T10:09:00.006Z

I met my future husband on 12th July 2003. Having first corresponded 17 days before on the internet, he flew to England. It was the first day he ever looked me in the eyes and said "I love you" - and yes, it was at the airport, about 2 minutes after he first held me in his arms.

So it seems even more amazing that on 12th July precisely 6 years to the day, this is the very first time that my 21 month old daughter India looks me in the eye, and says, unprompted, "I love you".

I guess 12th July is most definitely my day... thanks to you both for making this day so wonderful x x

Thank you to Alex

2009-07-08T08:17:00.006Z

on 12th July 2003, an American man flew to Enlgand and landed at Stansted airport. Around this time, a very nervous woman was driving to the same airport with a printed copy of a couple of emailed photos, a few printed emails, and a lot hope.

Could love really blossom between two strangers, started by an email on 25th June which led to a meeting 17 days later?

The answer, my friends, is most definately yes.

Alex scooped me up in his arms that day at the airport, kissed me and blew my mind. He has been doing that ever since, although he doesn't always know it, and I forget to tell him. Yes, the kids, the jobs, "life" gets in the way, as it does for us all. But that man turned out to be the very core of me, my love, my life, my everything.

Thank you for you, and thank you for India (and New York Houston, Las Vegas, Portland, Germany, France, Mauritius, Belgium, Switzerland, Austria and all the other places we've seen together...!)

Happy 6 year anniversary on Sunday, my love. I love you x

the truth about marriage and kids...

2009-07-01T13:30:00.001Z

Important message to women out there...

2009-06-22T13:27:00.001Z

Theft Problem - IMPORTANT MESSAGE: - An Alert for women!

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys
removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to
sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The
replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and
what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my
thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in
jeans. And then the thieves struck again.

My bottom was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to
match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my
new bottom was attached at least three inches lower than my
original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favour of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing
my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro
with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body
was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck,
I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the
coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -
stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something
'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

Last year I thought someone had stolen my boobs. I was lying in bed and they
were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had
just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my
waistband.

Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on. Have a wonderful day - with
a joy filled heart.

P.S.

These same thieves come in my closet and shrunk my clothes! How do they do
THAT?

Easter Eggs and Sebastian!

2009-05-20T10:26:00.005Z

We had great fun Easter egg hunting!!

and enjoyed Sebastian visting us - espeically India, who was obsessed with him!

finally, took this on a visit to Pembrokeshire recently - isn't nature wonderful?!

2009-03-30T14:14:00.008Z

Time to clamber stiffly back in the blogging seat.

I have no idea why now is that time, but something tells me it is.

"So much has happened" doesn't come close! In October 2007 my step daughter Elena came to live with us. Three days later my daughter India was born, five weeks early. My children increased from one smallish eight year old boy to three kids within a space of days.

India will be 18 months old on Friday. The last 18 months have been a whirlwind of joy, resentment, happiness, sadness, struggles and growth. Perhaps the reason I am suddenly drawn to writing this is that I feel as if we're finally getting through the mists of adjustment and coming out the other side.

India is hilarous! Bright as a button, more beautiful than my dreams ever pictured her. Life without her would have been a life diluted. My wonder son Jak is doing brilliantly at school, and becoming an amazing person. His teacher says he is gifted. I feel like the one with gift. Elena, my stepdaughter, is beginning to taste what stability feels like - and starting to realise that she is loved and wanted. She has moments of peace and calm, where she doesn't fight against everything and everyone that loves her. Maybe she is beginning to stop testing us, to see if we really do want her with us. She and I are starting to sense something growing between us.

We're winning.

Next week we're on holiday in Pembrokeshire, a cottage to hide away for a few days and recharge. I will be taking lots of pictures and we will be building lots of memories. In the meantime, here we all are in March 2009...

Fast forward 12 months....

2008-09-30T11:25:00.004Z

and here is that little star, the amazing baby who has made my life complete...

Isn't she amazing??????????

My son's 8th birthday!

2007-07-26T15:28:00.001Z

Talk about a surprise on your 40th!!

2007-07-18T16:05:00.000Z

I'm sorry that I have neglected this blog in recent weeks.

Growing a baby is busy work, and somehow took over a bit!!

I am now 24 weeks pregnant, and baby is growing well, although I showing a few funny signs that I may be finishing work for my maternity leave earlier than planned - and I do know I am being induced two weeks early, whatever happens over coming weeks. The blood supply between my baby and myself is a bit odd, and they're keeping a watchful eye!!

I guess you all understand why I've been a little, well "absent"!!

My husband did an amazing thing for my 40th. It needs no introduction or words, but please check it out here .

WOW!

Beautiful Bruges and some amazing news...

2007-05-17T12:51:00.000Z

We just had a wonderful wedding anniversary weekend, staying in Liege, then Brussels, and ending up in Bruges, all in Belgium.

Alex was working in Germany, so I caught the Eurostar over (first time I ever went through the tunnel!), and we met up in Leuven. Actually, that sounds planned. In reality, I caught a hopelessly slow train in a moment of panic from Brussels to Liege, and realised too late it would take forever to get there - so clambered off at Leuven and eventually Alex found me!

First night was a castle in the middle of nowhere! It was fantastic!

Then off to the bright lights of Brussels via a fascinating Japanese Garden with the most amazing Koi Carp!

(and a meal in the evening only memorable by the fact that a. it was the most expensive of the trip and b. it was absolutely foul!! Vegetarianism has not hit Brussels!!

Saturday we drove to Bruges, one of our very favourite cities, and spent two days of total relaxation here...

It was wonderful, and we had a fabulous time! I saw on a website today someone referring to a holiday they had taken whilst pregnant as a "babymoon" as opposed to a "honeymoon". This was definitely what we did! A chance for time together before a certain little person arrives in a few months time!!

Speaking of the certain little person, one more piece of news...

We are over the moon! It is more than I ever dreamt of! Although of course, I did dream of her.

I wrote this back in January, right at the start of my IVF:

<em>I just FEEL this baby, you know? Sometimes, lying in the dark, I think I feel a baby move - silly I know. I wake up some mornings and wonder where my baby is - and then remember she isn't even here (yet?). I almost feel her, almost smell her, ALMOST touch her... But you can't be almost pregnant, can you? Then I tell myself "in three weeks time you might be pregnant" - so maybe I "almost" am...

There's nothing missing from my life in terms of what I already have. I am more deeply and intensely in love than I could ever have imagined possible. I have a wonderful son and step children, and a home I love, and job... I am so lucky. It is not that I am trying to complete my life, or fill a gap exactly. It's just that I want Alex's baby so much, and I feel this child so close to me but just out of reach, and I can't give up on her.

It makes me feel very humbled to read this. SHE is now real, she is growing inside me, and in around 25 weeks, we will finally get to meet our daughter... and, yes - of course I have tears in my eyes as I type this!!

Am I being paranoid or is the wrong person reading this?

2007-05-02T14:15:00.000Z

A conversation I had yesterday got me wondering.

Who reads our blogs?

I started this as an on-line diary, and primarily a way of keeping in touch with family and friends - espeically if, like us, your family and friends are spread out around half the world! Then - how exciting and a bit scary - you find that someone you've never met reads your blog. More than one "someone". hmmm. Feels pretty funny. Then you get some lovely comments, and support, and friendship, and it feels pretty good.

But what if somewone was reading your blog, your intimate account of your life and your thoughts, and you didn't want them to?? Someone who doesn't like you? Someone who doesn't want to read good things, who isn't in the circle of close people you wish to communicate personal parts of your life with. Like your ex-partner, or ex-friend, someone you don't communicate those type of thoughts and feelings with any more..

Does it matter?

Does it change the way you write? For sure, I think it does! Does it sanitise, dilute your expression knowing that your blog might be read by the "wrong" person, someone who could never come into your home and pick up your diary and flick through it? Yes! Someone you work with, who might read it for the wrong reasons? I truly love my job, but as a Director of a charity, I think I have a responsibility to never write about work. There's a whole big section of my life (and passion) that never makes it to my blog for this reason.

I don't mean to sound paranoid, but this concept of modern accessiblity interests me. I'm not the techno-genius my husband is. I'm an old-fashioned wrtie-it-in-a-book-and-put-it-away-safely kinda gal!

I think my take is that, for all the vulnerability it allows, it's still a fantastic way to reach out to your family and friends, and access the world.

What do you think??... (whoever you are)...

the longest 48 hours ever!

2007-05-01T12:39:00.000Z

Well, I am surfacing from the most horrendous few days ever. Yes, I really mean that - EVER!

It started last Thursday. We were just going off to bed when suddenly I started bleeding. After a trip to A & E, I had a scan booked for Friday morning. I was terrified. I didn't think you could bleed that much and still have a healthy baby...

The scan was fine. The baby's heartbeat was galloping away, all measurements fitted with dates, and I skipped out of the examination room with a heart as light as a feather.

Saturday, the elation was still very much present. We went for our nuchal scan to test for Down's Syndrome or other chromosomal abnormalities. We were both very optimistic. Everything so far has gone so far in our favour, that I truly had a sense of complete trust in the results.

The sense of shock that followed was devastating. We were given a risk factor of 1 in 27 that our baby had Down's. Yes, that means 26 chances that it doesn't, but compared to what I expected, maybe 300 to 1, it was a huge shock.

We decided there and then to have a further invasive test called CVS. This is a huge decision - the risk of losing the baby is present, particularly after the bleed I'd had two days before. But with Alex leaving on Monday for a few days at a conference in Cologne, it seemed the only way he could be with me for the test and possible complications afterwards.

Two hours after having the scan and results, I found myself having the invasive test. The terminology was terrifying, not to mention to size of the needle. Jeeez. Then we had to drive into London to deliver the biopsy taken from the baby's placenta for testing.

We waited. 48 hours for the results. It was the longest 48 hours of my entire life.

Then came the call from my husband - the news we'd prayed for - our baby is fine. There is no Down's, no abnormalities, and all is well.

I cannot put into words how I felt, and judging by the emotion in my husband's voice, I know he felt the same way.

Right now, I truly feel like the luckiest woman alive. My son whooped with joy, and hugged me tight, and then kissed my tummy. My stepdaughter "howled" on the phone (in her father's words!).

Now it's time to start truly enjoying this pregnancy, in the sure knowledge that our baby is healthy and well. Nothing much else seems to matter right now....

Well, actually, lots of things do. My son is healthy and happy and enjoying school and life in general. My husband got to see his daughter today after a difficult three weeks apart... and will have dinner with some friends in Cologne tonight. We had wonderful support from our family and friends during this awful time (we didn't tell you all to spare you our worry, but now you know!!). Finally, it's my wedding anniversary on Sunday, and I have some wonderful time ahead with my husband this weekend.

But the news that our baby is fine, and healthy, that takes some beating!

a heartbeat, and losing your two front teeth

2007-04-26T10:03:00.000Z

So, all is going well!

We had our booking appointment with the midwife on Tuesday, and she managed to find a heartbeat. We have seen this tiny fluttering heart of our baby twice in the really early scans, but never actually heard it before. It was like hearing this baby "talk" for the first time - a sound that told us that all is well. I don't know if other women that have been pregnant feel this way (sure they do!), but a month is long time between the last scan and this appointment. There are days when I truly think I have imagined the whole, wonderful thing. It seems so unreal, and hard to comprehend, that I am growing a person! Especially after the IVF and protection mechanisms you develop to try and deal with the disappointment if it doesn't work. It's really hard to re-programme and believe in it all!

Hearing a heartbeat helps that re-programming more than anything!

So, one more hurdle. We have the nuchal scan on Saturday to find out about abnormalities and Down's syndrome etc. That whole topic is so huge, I shall avoid starting to write about it! I am focused on this baby being healthy and well, and not letting myself entertain any negative thoughts!

onto other things...

My son lost two teeth in the same day! He thinks he looks so cool ,whilst I try not to laugh at his lisp! This was taken just before the next one fell out!! Thank goodness we don't have to watch him wriggling it any more...

Finally, a quote for my husband.

"One sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best".
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I love you

Our Little Miracle

2007-04-19T13:19:00.000Z

Feeling a bit overwhelmed about being pregnant today - in a good way! This little soul is the same size (11 weeks) as our growing baby!

"Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is miracle." Marianne Williamson

Easter fun, and the simple life

2007-04-16T14:41:00.000Z

I have neglected my blog entirely, but for good reasons.

We have just had a wonderful Easter break, with my son, my step daughter and my husband's stepson (my double stepson as my son calls him!).

We had planned all sorts of lovely days out - a visit to the Natural History Museum in London, shopping trips so the kids could spend their Easter money etc.

A strange thing happened on the way to Easter...

Firstly and unusually for the UK, the weather got great just around the holidays. Not great, but FANTASTIC! We have had hot sunny days that rarely coincide with bank holidays or Easter vacations! So, we made the most of it - we got outside, and enjoyed all that nature has to offer - and suddenly, when faced with the days out to London, and money spending trips, the kids voted with their hearts. "No thanks", was their unequivocal response - we'd rather do the simple (read "fun") stuff.

So we did.

For 5 days we played and played...

and the only support needed was a good picnic...

and a place to build dens..

and swing and climb on trees...

We're exhausted! But in a great way! Even the dogs had fun!!

I wonder which holiday our kids will remember most, when in the years to come, we talk about Easter breaks??

I'll put my money on this one...

I'm normal!! (yes, I know what you're thinking but it's official)

2007-04-04T13:53:00.000Z

I have been hopeless!

I haven't posted for a few days.

I found that a strange thing happened to me.

When I first started this on-line "diary", I found it exciting to be able to put my thoughts down in this way, share IVF dramas with family and friends, connect with others, and generally release all sorts of emotions that were sort-of stuck in me.

That felt fine, until recently, when I started to have some bleeding, and real fears that things were not going well with my pregnancy. Suddenly, I felt very exposed. I felt as if I'd said too much, revealed too much, made myself vulnerable through this blog, and I kind of "ran to ground". There I have lurked, with an odd glance at my favourite blogs, whilst I settled my nerves at sharing this intimate time in my life with my family, friends (and blog friends) across the world.

Two days ago (I am almost scared to write this), the bleeding stopped. The morning (and lunchtime and especially evening sickness) upped it's impact and swamped me like a wave. Suddenly, from my hidey hole, I felt like this baby was settling down and all is well. Instead of feeling vulnerable, I wanted to share this and who better than my blog family and friends!

Strange, how that happened. My friends tell me (Sheila, that's especially you!!) that when I'm in trouble, they always know. I crawl off somewhere like a wounded animal and all falls silent. I guess even in the blogosphere, we have the same traits.

So - the news!! I am now 9 weeks pregnant, all is well, the baby scan at 8 weeks showed a healthy little baby and very obvious heartbeat. I am now discharged from the fertility unit, and into "normal" care. That feels significant!!

My husband (you must read his latest post, although it will hurt) picked his daughter and step-son up yesterday, so I had lots of questions from her over breakfast this morning. It's the first time I've seen her since the test was positive on 1st March. My son told her the baby is the size of a strawberry, has webbed hands and feet and it's tail is disappearing. "tail??" said my stepdaughter, with her nose screwed up. "yeah, it's got a tail - like a tadpole" said my son with the expertise of a seven-year old. Then they laughed their heads off.

"Normal" feels pretty good...

Grumpy Cow

2007-03-27T10:01:00.001Z

I remember now why I called this blog "The Challenge of Life"!

Take a mother with a hip replacement, a father who is misbehaving even more than usual in terms of his temper, add a husband who has decided it is time to give my father some home truths about his behaviour (and is perfectly justified might I add), and then, just for good measure, add a bit more bleeding this morning out of the blue - and "just relax" doesn't really seem to fit!

Two of my closest friends are charging (separately) around Australia with their families, so I can't pick up the phone and have a whinge to either of them like I normally would! (Perhaps the fact they've both gone to Australia should tell me something... hmmm....) Life feels a bit of an uphill struggle just now. I know that most of the world are having a worse time. I know I should be counting blessings, and I am, honestly.

I feel in my heart that all is well with the baby, and I am not allowing myself a single negative thought (well, officially!!). We have the 8 week scan on Thursday, so two days to wait and then we'll hopefully get confirmation that all is OK. Another hurdle. I cannot wait for the 12 week moment, when I can really enjoy all this, and R.E.L.A.X.!!

I am trying to be calmer and less "hyper". For mine, and the baby's sake and most definitely for my long-suffering Husband's sake. I know he's sitting at work today feeling unfairly treated. Last night I was mad-hormonal-grumpy-cow-from-hell and I don't really know why. I ranted and raved and I was horrible. FOUL! I hope he reads this today, and knows my heart is heavy, and that I am sorry. I was wrong, wrong, wrong.

If you get a moment, read my husband's last blog post. He's an amazing man. He is the most complicated, difficult, intense and impossible human being I have ever met. He is also the most loving, bravest, loyal, gentle, thoughtful, reflective, intelligent, knowledgeable human being I have ever met. It makes for an amazing life with him. Add in my own intense, often ridiculous and not-always-very-grown-up way of handling things, and it can go spectacularly right and sometimes the absolute opposite...

I wish I could change my often-angry response to things. It ALWAYS leads to me feeling bad. It often leads to my lovely husband feeling bad.

I read this today;

"Real Happiness
Are you beyond happiness and sorrow? Is your life, your day, a series of peaks and troughs - one minute ecstatic, next minute depressed. If you are up and down, even a little, it probably feels normal, because the swings between such extremes have been with you for so long. But you don't need the ups and downs to make life feel alive. In fact the ups we call happiness are not really happiness but a kind of false interpretation of happiness. Real happiness is not the result of rising out of depression, and it does not result into falling into regular periods of depression. Real happiness is stable, constant, lasting, not dependent on anyone or anything. Sometimes we call it contentment or serenity or joy. But it's not excitement. Excitement will result in depression. Happiness just is. It's hard to imagine it after a life of highs and lows. Faced with the choice of constant, stable contentment and all the ups and downs, some people choose to stay with the ups and downs. And this is called addiction. The ups are dependent on something and that something just does not last forever. To discover real happiness don't pursue it and don't make it dependent on anything"

seems a pretty good note to end on today...

I put this picture up (my favourite of our wedding day), to remind myself I am not always a grumpy wife

Rollercoaster Week

2007-03-21T10:11:00.000Z

Thank you to everyone who has shown so much interest in my Mum's recovery. It has been very touching and I have been moved by your comments very much.

After a pretty horrendous experience during the operation (imagine someone with a hammer and chisel taking off your hip bone whilst you're conscious - I am not joking), and the first night in intense pain, she is well on the road to recovery.

It has been an exhausting roller-coaster, but thank God we are now on the gentler slope!

We're all going to the hospital again tonight to see her, and she sounded bright and "normal" this morning.

So, hopefully, things will continue to improve!

I am having a tiny bit of bleeding at the moment, so I'm obviously concerned about the baby, but trusting all is well and keeping focussed on our healthy little star growing the way it should be inside me.

What a week...!

My Mum

2007-03-16T17:05:00.000Z

My mum is having a hip replacement today - right now, actually.

My heart is all knotted up with the worry of it. In September last year, she was on a cruise with my father in Egypt. Her hip was a little sore, there seemed something not quite right. In the space of six months, she has virtually lost it's use altogether.

She moves by hanging on to furniture.

She looks so old, and it hurts to watch her flinching and catching her breath when a step hurts even more than usual. My Mum never complains. When you ask, she says "I'm fine". She's far from "fine".

She cried when it snowed a few weeks back, and she couldn't come sledging on the slopes with my son and I. My heart ached so much that day.

So today, they will give her an epidural, she will listen to headphone music to drown out the sound of the saw (I kid you not), and they will take out this ragged, worn thing that she used to fling me up onto when I was a baby and carry me round on, and give her a shiny new one.

The next few weeks will be painful, and her progress will probably be slow.

I try to look on the good side of it all. The pain will initially be intense, but within a few weeks, she'll be making great progress, we hope. The Spring is almost here. She'll be able to enjoy the summer. As I get fatter and slower with my pregnancy, she'll get faster and fitter!! I like that thought!

I just want to pick her up on a Saturday morning, and walk the dogs with her on a sunny day. I just want to take her for coffee, and not worry how close I can park to the cafe. I just want to go shopping with her at the weekend, and not care what time we get home.

I just want my Mum back.

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star...

2007-03-16T09:54:00.000Z

Yesterday was nerve-wracking!

It was the date of our 6 week scan, to find out if the embryo transfer really has resulted in a viable baby or two!

This was the point where we found out how many babies we might be having, and, critically, whether such a thing as a hearbeat might be detected...

I was incredibly nervous. Alex was too. My emotions ranged from "please can they find a heartbeat and a baby" to "what if it is twins??"...

Well, our luck continues.

One of our stars is still with us....

They found one embryo, doing exactly what it should do at this stage, and growing just right. More importantly than anything, fluttering in the corner of the little white speck that is our future child, was a tiny movement, like a miniature butterfly trapped in a cobweb.

A heartbeat.

My whole life has been about protecting myself. I have played the "what if...?" game since I was a little girl. Always trying to make sure I didn't get caught out by something bad happening that I didn't plan for or anticipate. The problem with that oh-so-careful approach is that most of the things you're scared of never happen, and I know the energy I've put into worrying about them is wasted energy.

So, I have decided to really try and stop worrying about what might be, to not see this as a series of hurdles to be jumped, but to relax and finally enjoy where we are right now. I am pregnant, we are having a baby, and it is healthy and has a beating heart! And did I mention how wonderful my husband is being right now? How I feel cocooned in his love? It's a pretty wonderful place to be.

I feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

My husband has a look on his face I only dreamt about seeing one day.

For an old 39 year old (!), I feel like running a marathon or climbing a mountain!! Then again, when I look back over the last 6 weeks, maybe we just did...

....and now for something completely different!

2007-03-12T10:18:00.000Z

Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.- Lao Tzu

I have been lost in a daze of "pregnant" for the past week, but stumbled acorss this amazing photo today, which I couldn't resist.

This crystal cave has just been found in the Naica Mine, Chihuahua Mexico.

These are Selenite crystals (gypsum) and are the largest crystals ever discovered. They are 1000 feet down in a limestone host rock where they are mining for lead, zinc and silver.

These crystals were formed by hydrothermal fluids emanating from the magma chambers below. The miners had to drill through the Naica fault, which they were
worried would flood the mine, and this is what they discovered!!

Isn't it amazing?!

Mother nature at her most incredible!

OK, OK, I guess 4 IS enough... I'll stop now...

2007-03-05T16:45:00.000Z

86,400 Seconds

2007-03-02T10:42:00.000Z

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with £86,400.

Every evening whatever part of the balance you fail to use during the day is deleted.

What would you do?

Draw out every penny and use it well, of course!!!

Each of us has such a bank - Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Invest the day's deposits well! How could you bring the most contentment, happiness and benefit to yourself and others?

The clock is running...

Super Star!

2007-03-01T12:06:00.000Z

I cannot quite take it in!

This has been the hardest wait of my life, and the most emotional. This morning, the whole IVF process culminated in one small word.

Pregnant.

sorry, I mean one big word! PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will remember this morning for ever. The best moment? Well, there were two. My husband telling me whilst making me a tea and waiting for the test results how VERY VERY much he wanted this to work. The second was his grin (he has a wonderful crooked smile that I fell in love with in a photo I saw of him before we ever met each other). His grin was because we THOUGHT we could see a faint line on the test appearing. Of course, I'd bought another test, (one would never be enough), and although the hospital one showed the faintest of lines, the other was a digital one like the picture above.

PREGNANT.

I feel so numb that I want to cry, and laugh and shout and run around like a child...

My mother cried great huge body-shaking tears of relief and joy.

My best friend snuck out of a meeting to ring me, and we laughed together.

My son - well, he giggled with his step-dad over silly names, and later stood and rang his grandparents doorbell at 8.15am this morning, and when my mother answered he told her he is going to be a big brother.

I feel so lucky.

We are SO lucky.

I have read so many posts and message boards, and I know that many of the couples I saw during the process of IVF passing through hospital corridors with their bags of injections and hands held tight have not been this lucky.

There was a woman on exactly the same timed cycle of me, that I last saw on the day of embryo transfer. I wonder about her this morning. My heart feels like bursting with the luckiness and joy of it all, whilst feeling the ache of those who have not been so lucky.

I met Alex, my lovely husband, on 12th July 2003. He got on a plane and followed his heart to see if this eccentric British woman he found on an Internet dating site could possibly be the soul mate he was searching for. Somehow, I managed to convince him I was! I fell in love with him the moment I saw him coming towards me at the airport terminal. He lifted me up, we kissed, and we have followed our hearts ever since. I gave him a card, on which I wrote the last line as;

"12th July 2003 - and we started a love affair that will never end".

I felt that then and never has it felt more vibrant and real than today.

I have felt such genuine love and support from family and relations, from old friends and new, those I can hug and cry with, and those who have reached me with encouragement and stories of their own through this site. What a journey! and it's only just begun...

I know it's frighteningly early, there are still hurdles to jump (being an old!! mother makes things trickier I am told!!). I don't care about those things today. We'll worry about them if and when they happen. My stars, either one or both of them (now there's a thought!!) have decided to stay with us and become our child(ren).

Today is about five words.

We are having a baby.

Maybe it's seven words...

We are having a baby. Or two...

"Where there is the greatest love, there are always miracles". Willa Cather

less than 24 hours...

2007-02-28T13:15:00.001Z

2 days to go!

2007-02-27T15:27:00.001Z

Crikey! (now, there's a good British word!) - I've been tagged!

2007-02-26T12:20:00.000Z

Well, I am astounded to find, on reading one of my favourite blogs today, that I have been challenged to write down five reasons why I blog! Can I think of five?? Well, I'll have a go...

1. It's all my husband's fault (yes, you have been tagged now). (AS to it being his fault, isn't it always?? I could use that line so often...). He's a techie when it comes to the Internet, a blogosphere junkie, and he was driving me mad. He'd started a blog. I hated it. I thought it meant that somehow he couldn't communicate with me in the real world, so he had to write it all down and share his thoughts with a bunch of strangers. Weird (I thought). Then he wrote a few posts. They shared things with friends and family that otherwise would have been lost in his own thoughts. I sort-of got it. A bit. So, I thought I might give a try...

2. I read some of the blogs that linked to his. They were interesting! It was fun reading about friends and colleagues that wrote some great blogs. Maybe this was a good way to keep in touch, I thought. We were about to start IVF. What a good way to share all that stuff with my friends and family, and not bore them to death over the phone...

3. Well, of course, then it got interesting! People started visiting my blog, my confidence grew and I realised what an interesting social medium it is. Suddenly it didn't seem like it was for computer geeks! I had truly never once thought that anyone I don't know would read it! So that encouraged me to keep blogging.

4. It became quite therapeutic, and I got this great feeling from finding blogs like one plus two, posybunny, full plate, the Ravin' Picture Maven, and The Silent I (yes, unless you already have been, consider yourself tagged guys!!) How great to read other people's blogs, and find such synergy! That was the real clincher...

5. And finally, the cliche. Where else can you reach out across the world like this? share issues that matter, hear other people's views and thoughts and dreams, both in your family and friends circle, but also in places you will probably never visit or have the opportunity to see? To "meet" people who I will never meet in person? To get the chance, through other's eyes, to grow and develop your knowledge and experience of really important issues, like racism, religion, childcare, parenting, love, friendship, struggles - in such an open and honest way? To laugh out loud at the humour (some of you are so funny and clever in your writing!)

Well, I found more than five reasons, much to my surprise! Most of all, it has taught me, as life often does, to stop being so threatened by "new" things, to get out there and try it, and open my eyes to new experiences and mediums, rather than sit entrenched in my "it worries me! I don't like it!" corner.

I am of course, not admitting my husband was right... Not publicly, anyway...

Lie back and think of...strawberries??

2007-02-20T12:05:00.000Z

Well, now the longest wait of my life... (apart from the wait in 2005 for my then-fiance to join me in England and for us to get married!!)

The wait now is to see if the drugs, injections and unpleasant pokey-bits associated with the IVF were worth it, and the two tiny bundles of cells floating around inside me are going to hang on and become our children...

It all went fine, although I managed to get a bit of an infection, which meant the day of embryo transfer (when the requirement is for a very full bladder) involved me curled up on the floor of the hospital room, wailing and clutching my stomach and trying not to disgrace myself by throwing up all over the nice smart machines... My stand-in acupuncturist stood by helplessly, having had the whip out the needles before I passed out.

So typical! Having spent the past two months having organic tea, eating and drinking all fertility-related concoctions and mediating about perfect little babies, with images of myself floating on a little cloud of acupuncture and aromatherapy-induced bliss, I instead grabbed and downed a cocktail of antibiotics, pain killers, codeine, and would have reached for anything alcoholic if I wasn't already in enough trouble.

I felt stupid - and of course, the "kind" doctors and nurses didn't do all that much to help that feeling - the doctor commented to me "well, you weren't like this when you came in two hours ago". No s..t, buddy - I didn't have a bladder like a water-filled balloon and a fear of someone shoving something very uncomfortable into the very part of me that hurt like hell...

Anyway...

...full of drugs and feeling sick and sore and internally screaming "THIS IS NOT HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE!", I was told to lie back and concentrate on the picture on the ceiling - I know what you're imagining... a sea scape, with beautiful waves, amazing wildlife, soft sand? No? OK, then a gorgeous rolling landscape, with wild flowers and trees, and... I promise, you won't even come close.

Three strawberries, blown up to the size of footballs.

Really.

Strawberries.

I lay there, holding my husband's hand, staring at these huge red strawberries, thinking that they were probably meant to represent exactly how my ovaries looked and felt at that precise moment. Where were the friggin' dolphins and beautiful fish?? Maybe just one flower???

Then it happened, you know, one of "Those Moments". The ones that hit you in the middle of stress and crisis and makes your breath stick your throat...

As they put the two embryos back into me, the nurse said I might see a flash of light. I saw two, but not flashes of light, that didn't do what I saw justice - I saw two tiny glowing lights, almost joined but quite separate - I saw two stars. They twinkled in the darkness of the scan screen and somewhere inside me I felt those two tiny lives, sparkling and twirling, and showing my husband and I that they were real, and THERE. Our babies. Two tiny, sparkling lives, two hopes for Alex and I and the love we share.

So, now we wait. The infection has subsided almost completely, I am back at work today with two secret stars inside me that a handful of colleagues and friends know about. I try to picture happy things, and calm thoughts and know that really, whether you believe in positive thoughts, or God or anything, my husband and I, with a lot of medical intervention, have done all we mere mortals can do.

Our two little stars must now decide if they're strong enough to make it to the next stage.

All my dreams are that they do, with the knowledge they cannot be more wanted or hoped for...

Two Stars.. Two lives. Two dreams.

Eggs and Nick - Anticipation and Sadness

2007-02-12T11:02:00.000Z

Tomorrow is the big day! I am due to go into hospital at 8am, and at some point they will poke around in my ovaries, hopefully pull out a few eggs (sorry, how big did you say the needle is??), and try to make some babies! I only want one, how hard can that be!!???? Actually the whole process, natural or IVF, is close to a miracle in my mind. Miracles are pretty hard...

Then, my long-suffering husband, who will agree to anything right now in my hormonal state, will indulgently whisk me off to the acupuncturist, who will attempt to "calm my energies and tune up my chi" or something, and then... we wait.. and see if any of the eggs will fertilise and can be put back on Thursday...

I feel six months pregnant already, my stomach is swollen up like a balloon, and I can hardly sit down without wincing. Nice! Part of me wants it all over, and part of me wants it not to start! I guess, like most things, the anticipation will be worse than the actual event.. Won't it??

So, today, 12th February, is a day of anticipation, and also sadness.

One of my closest friends died two years ago today from lung cancer. He was only 51. He had a wonderful wife, Jane, and two fantastic kids, Hannah and George. Hannah had to cope with a haemangioma on her face when she was born, (a big birthmark, that had to be removed with lazer surgery). As if that weren't enough, George was born with major bowel problems, and has just endured his 11th operation, age 7. Jane lost her father to cancer three days before her husband. Makes you wonder just how much pain one family can endure. Then I think about my husband and his family's story... amazing how much some people have to deal with.

Nick was always adamant that he "felt" I would have another child (he was very spiritual), we often talked about it. He had a certainty about things that was totally overwhelming. The only time he ever got that wrong was in his certainty that he would beat the cancer. We all believed that too, he had a way of knowing - so it came as a terrible shock to us when we lost him. Hannah was a bridesmaid at our wedding, and George was an usher, and they were so brave, having lost their Daddy just 10 weeks before. Jane has been an amazingly strong Mum, and they have come through this as such a close family.

So, a day of mixed feelings.

Excitement and trepidation about the procedure tomorrow, and the thought that in just a few days, I might be pregnant. Sadness that this date carries, for all of us who knew and loved Nick. A hope for new life, whilst remembering those we have lost. My husband and his family have had more than their fair share of loss in their lives, a pain my husband and his sister bear with remarkable courage.

The poem at the end of this post was read out at Nick's remembrance service, and I think it's beautiful, regardless of whether you have faith in God or not.

Nick - you were sure of life-after-death. You had absolute faith in the fact that you would pass over into a different place, and we would feel and know you are still here with us. Then you will somehow feel our thoughts today, know how much we all miss your gentle humour, strength and compassion for others.

Dance the skies safely, dear friend, and I hope you were right about the baby...

"Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth

And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;

Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth of sun-split clouds,

--and done a hundred things you have not dreamed of

wheeled and soared and swung

High in the sunlit silence.

Hov'ring there, I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung

My eager craft through footless falls of air...

Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue

I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace

Where never lark, nor eer eagle flew--

And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod

The high, untrespassed sanctity of space,

Put out my hand and touched the face of God."

Snow, Sledges and Magic

2007-02-09T11:58:00.000Z

A funny thing happened yesterday.

Snow! Lots of it!

We went to bed to a normal landscape, and woke up to a snowscape of beautiful and magical proportions.

School was shut! Work was shut! - thank Goodness I brought home the laptop...

So, as my intrepid husband set off to try and battle into London with a flask of coffee and a blanket (he failed), my son, two dogs and I set off into the dreamy white of this snowy day.

Word had spread. Villagers had phoned their friends and family, and, in the way only a small village can do, the party was on! Everyone was meeting at the Scout Hut around 9.30am. We got there later, about 9.45, and the sight as we walked down towards the sloping field was amazing. Probably 100+ people, screams of excitement, whoops of joy, laughter, shouts - all ringing around the dip. Everyone was there - and what a microcosm of family life. Everyone was borrowing sledges, the kids had already worked out their own systems, with most of them sharing with the kids who hadn't found their sledge or, unlike us, didn't have well-prepared Grandparents ready to produce a sledge and sit-on slidey things for moments like this.

The adults were having as much fun as the kids. The men started getting competitive (funny, that?) and before long were into the serious business of standing on the sledges and trying to "snow board" down the hill. You know what men are like - this is serious stuff!! (Rich and Steve, you know who you are!). We chatted, and drank coffee, and stamped our feet until eventually, when our toes were so numb we'd lost all feeling, and out stomachs were telling us lunch was near, we began the march home, dropping off various kids and families along the way.

What a feeling of "belonging".

At one point, my neighbour (and close friend) and I were standing sipping coffee (hers, of course, I am never that well organised), when she smiled. She has just moved here from London, got married two months ago, and has two lovely daughters aged 9 and 6. She works really hard, as a Head of English for a secondary school, and has been very frazzled lately.

"why the smile?" I said.

"I had just said to my husband that something had to give. I am so tired, and the work I'm doing for school is intense. I just felt I couldn't go on at this pace much longer. Then nature stepped in, and here we are, school shut, a day off, everyone having fun - what an unexpected gift".

Funny how often that happens.

Years ago(!), aged about 20, I bought my first house, and money was exceptionally tight. I was working three jobs to keep the place going, and there was just one bill too many. I woke up one morning, at my wit's end, to find a £10 note on my doormat. I found out years later who it was from - a friend, knowing I was struggling, and knowing I'd refuse it if they offered, had put it through the letterbox, knowing I couldn't return it if I didn't know who'd sent it.

It covered the bill I had, and I made it through.

Sometimes things happen for a reason, and "life" or "nature" or "friends" have a wonderful way of stepping in just when you truly need them.

A lot of people probably viewed the snow yesterday as a problem - I was lucky to have the flexibility to work from home, and lucky that I could be there for my son with his school shut. But even though other working parents were stressed by the lack of control over circumstances, they stepped off the rollercoaster for a few hours yesterday, and were kids again. I'll post some pictures when I've downloaded them. If you could have heard the screams of laughter, and shouts of play and joy echoing round that slope, you'd know how lucky we all felt.

It's snowing now, big fat flakes, outside my office window... staff are asking if it's time to go home early...maybe the rollercoaster will stop again soon...

Make sure you step off the rollercoaster sometimes when life gives you the chance - you'll be surprised how great it feels!

If there were just 100 people in the world...

2007-02-06T13:07:00.000Z

On Sunday night, my husband, son and I were sitting down to dinner. We were asking my son, who is 7, how many people, as a %, did he think there were in the world lucky enough to sit down to the sort of meal we were having? He said 75%! We got into discussing all sorts of ways we're privileged, and I thought it would interesting to find out some facts...

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, there would be:

57 Asians

21 Europeans

14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south

8 Africans

52 would be female 48 would be male

70 would be non-white 30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian 30 would be Christian

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

1 would have a college education

1 would own a computer

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness... you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death ... you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep ... you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace ... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

Kinda makes you think, huh? Talk about "challenges"...

Fossils, Love and Friendship

2007-02-05T11:19:00.000Z

I grew up in a small village in Oxfordshire, which turns out to be the place where the first dinosaur was discovered. In the whole world!

When I was growing up, my mother, who is an amazing woman, and I spent hours and hours outdoors, walking and exploring the countryside. I developed a life-long love of nature and the natural world. I thought every kid was growing up in a place where you could trawl across newly-ploughed fields and pick up handfulls of amazing fossilised corals, shells, marine molluscs and small creatures dating from millions of years ago... not to mention Roman pottery, as the village is near a Roman villa, and on one of the most famous Roman roads in England.

When my son was small, I moved back to this village, and unsurprisingly, he found the same delight and excitement in finding these treasures. We have now initiated my husband and his daughter in the art, as well as many of his schoolfriends and his next-door-neighbours and my son has built up a fabulous collection of fossils in his bedroom. I imagine them one day sitting on a dusty shelf in his university room, surrounded by dirty clothes and beer cans - but maybe still reminding him of happy times combing the fields with his old Mum and Step dad!

When thinking about this the other day, I realised how often in life you could use this analogy. How often are we living in a place which we take completely for granted? How often are we sitting on treasure, that may not be exciting to anyone but us? As a child, I thought everyone grew up like this. It was a shock to find out, much later, how lucky I was. My son doesn't yet realise it. He thinks every kid grows up with fossils, love and friendship.

Anyway, this post got serious, must be the hormone injections. Far from the effects so far being the terrible mood swings everyone warned me about, I have found a strangely unfamiliar sense of peace! Typical that I'd do this all the wrong way around! Regardless of whether it works or not please, PLEASE can it work...), I am considering buying these hormones on the internet and injecting forever! !

So, wherever you are in the world, I hope you can look out of your window, or walk up your street, and feel some sense of belonging, and contentment in the place you have chosen to be your home. I cannot wish you fossils - I now know we're not all that lucky - but I do wish you love and friendship!

1 down, 11 to go...

2007-02-02T13:53:00.000Z

This is a photo of one of my dogs, Findlay - I adopted him from the Animal Charity I work for and this was taken at lunchtime today on our walk. Not a bad way to spend lunch, out in the fresh air and January sunshine with your two dogs (and usually about 10 others!). Fin has stolen both my other dog's (Tig)sticks and was taunting her with them. He's a horror sometimes.

The injections?? yeah, well, OK, OK, so it wasn't that bad. Yes, I feel a bit silly for hyping it up in my own mind - like lots of things in life, the anticipation was far worse than the actual event!

It MIGHT have been made better by my husband turning up with flowers (and some of my favourites, too!!) and making me dinner from ingredients he had gone out and bought in his lunch time..!! I know! ("would the real Husband please stand up")... Joking aside, it made for a wonderful evening, and definitely helped. The glass of wine may have contributed too...

So, as I'm a "weekday" blogger, nothing more to add till Monday... To the two people reading this (oh, one of you stopped?), thanks for your support, and we'll see what happens next... in the meantime, I have more dog walks and flowers to admire...

Injections and a Public Apology

2007-02-01T12:07:00.000Z

Today is the day!

the IVF Injections start tonight... I am not looking forward to it, but I would have to be a particularly strange human being to feel anything but trepidation. My father is diabetic, and reminds me constantly how often he has to do it. I know it's not the biggest deal in the world, but it's MY big deal!! My husband asked if I needed him to do the actual needle bit. (For those of you who know my husband, you will know what this means...) I never thought another person asking if they could stick a needle in you was a sign of love until now...

On to other things. Did you catch up with the news about Silvio Burlusconi, the 70-year old former Prime Minister of Italy?

"Dear Editor," began a letter published Wednesday on the front page of La Repubblica, the newspaper that Silvio Berlusconi hates most. The scalding letter demanded a public apology from Berlusconi — and it was signed by his wife!

It turns out that that Burlusconi attended an awards ceremony last week and was overly friendly with two young and beautiful guests. "If I weren't already married, I would marry you right now," he reportedly told one. And another: "With you I would go anywhere."

"These are statements I consider damaging to my dignity," wrote Veronica Berlusconi, 50, who has been with Berlusconi for 27 years. She said his remarks could not be "reduced to jokes."

"To my husband and to the public man, I therefore ask for a public apology, not having received one privately. In the course of our relationship I have sought to avoid conjugal conflict even when his behaviour has created reasons for it. This line of conduct has one sole limit, my dignity as a woman, and for the example I have to give to our children who are different in ages and sex. Today, for my daughters who are already adults, the example of a woman capable of defending her dignity in her relationships with men assumes a particular importance. The defence of my dignity as a woman will also help my son never to forget respect for women, so that he can have a healthy and balanced relationship with them."

Then in the early evening, Berlusconi wrote his own public letter:

"Your dignity does not matter: I will guard it like a precious material in my heart even when thoughtless jokes come out of my mouth," he wrote. "But marriage proposals, no, believe me, I have never made one to anyone. "Forgive me, however, I beg of you, and take this public testimony of private pride that submits to your anger as an act of love. One among many. A huge kiss. Silvio."

so, what do you think?? A huge victory for women's rights? A win-win for them both?? But does his "humble"apology atone for his past actions? My husband and I were discussing this last night, and thought it was an interesting debate - I am glad to say my husband thought Ms Burlusconi's actions were terrific - imagine forcing your husband into such a public apology! Result!!

so, to women's (especially wives') rights and injections - bring it on!!

Kindness

2007-01-31T17:18:00.000Z

"Kindness in words creates confidence.

Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.

Kindness in giving creates love."

Lao Tzu

My husband found me on the internet...

2007-01-30T23:14:00.000Z

...in 2003.

Logistically, we should never have met. He was living in a different country, and I am terrified s..tless of flying. He is from Houston, Texas and was living in Europe. I had moved back to the little English village I grew up in after my divorce. He decided it was time to stop messing about and find his soul mate. I agreed.

We fell in love before we actually met up (yes, it really can happen!), and 17 days after the first email, he flew to England and swept me off my feet. I haven't found them again yet, almost four years later (this deserves a post all of it's own when lunch is not almost over and I have more time!!).

He has his own blog - he's really good at this stuff. I dig my heels in, and pretend to hate it all (you're such a techno-phobe"), but then I go away and quietly find out all about it and realise it's not so sad and geeky and time-consuming after all, and actually quite fun.

My Husband's Blog is well worth a visit, and my thanks to him for getting me started on all this - so this is what lunch breaks are for!! I'm enjoying sending posts to friends and getting emails back... I don't know if anyone actually reads this stuff, but it does make you feel as if you have a tiny corner of the world that's yours to share...

Hormones and Red Paint

2007-01-30T11:04:00.000Z

So, had the "down reg" test this morning for the IVF cycle.

Quite frankly, I don't need a blood test to know my hormones are non-existent, my husband can tell you that... I have to ring tomorrow, so then I will know whether to start injecting on Thursday. Hurrah! (?)

When the injection pack arrived, my son and I opened it, and went through the contents. There were these two enormous needles, I mean we're talking two metal tubes, and my son said "Mummy, are those the injections"? I almost fainted! I now find out they're not for injecting, but for mixing or something, for the "late night injection" - whatever that is. But thank God they don't actually have to go into my body, that would have been a step too far. A "late night injection" sounds like the kind of thing to get me pregnant in the first place, huh!?

My lovely husband insists that he's "trying his best" but this is the point where I do wonder why I didn't at least try the "women seeking women" part of the dating website (Alex and I met online, 2003). A woman would get the whole hormone thing, the "I don't know why I'm crying but I can't stop" feeling, the "I want to kill you, but a hug would be nice too" bit. But as my husband is absolutely the love of my life, and I adore him, I guess I'm staying in the "Mars and Venus" trap, whilst we try and survive this bit of hormonal hell.

So, not sure what's ahead, but we'll ride this wave and see .... and HOPE!

Everything feels as if it's on hold. Life, vacations, work plans, home plans, wedding anniversary plans... Everything starts with "if I'm pregnant"...

Back in the real world though, when my son, Jak, woke up this morning in a deep haze, he whispered "Mummy?"

"Yes" I whispered back.

"What's red and smells of paint?" "

"I don't know, what is red and smells of paint"?

"Red paint", and he collapsed back under the covers in hysterics. Life's pretty wonderful sometimes, even when the joke's on you...!

To my husband, who is in London today, and thinks his wife has completely lost all sense of reality and emotional control- guilty as charged. Hang in there honey, it will get better.

My friend Sheila is coming over tonight. We'll drink tea (lots of strong tea for her, green tea for me to halt the caffeine intake), we'll munch a couple of secretive biscuits (she'll also raid the chocolate tin, and it would be rude to expect her to eat that alone, wouldn't it?), and she'll give me that woman's perspective. All will be better with the world.

I wish my sister-in-law, Gaby, lived close too. She is in Houston, Texas, my husband's birthplace. She is the most amazing woman, and I know a few tears, and big hug and a trip to the Nail Bar would put me back on my feet! I miss you, Gaby! I wish you were closer.

So, end of today's drugged rant. Loads of woman have been through this, and often, many times - I have friends who have tried IVF 6 or 7 times. That takes some serious dedication and commitment. All to have moments like my "red paint" one this morning.

Baby Briggs, you just get ready to come and join this family, we're waiting for you... and Jak has a whole load of new jokes to try out, just as good as the "red paint" one...

My Lovely Husband

2007-01-26T11:42:00.000Z

My husband and I have a weekend to ourselves ahead of us, and I just wanted to tell him how much I am looking forward to that!

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." Aristotle

Challenges... hmmmm....Did I mention the IVF??

2007-01-26T10:04:00.000Z

Well, some of you (hopefully) reading this know about our latest challenge, some of you don't... I thought I'd share it with you.

Alex and I have started on an IVF cycle, and are a few days away from the "down reg" test. Then the injections start... For those of you not familiar with IVF (who care!), you first sniff drugs that bring on a premature menopause and practically zero your hormones (and yes, you can imagine how great that feels - poor Alex... every bit as dramatic as it sounds!) There's a reason that your body doesn't go from 100% normal levels of hormones to nothing in less than three weeks - it's called sanity.

Then, and if your hormones are flattened appropriately (medically term I believe), you get to inject yourself every day for about 2 weeks to fill your system back up with some nice synthetic hormones which makes your ovaries swell up like a couple of pomegranates - then they suck out the eggs that have matured (don't even ask) introduce them to your husband's "donation" (over dinner, with a nice bottle of wine and some soft music I think?), pop them in a dish for a bit of dirty dancing, and a miracle happens! Well, that's the plan... the next hurdle is to take these tiny blobs of cells with aspirations to be babies and pop them back into me to hope and pray they transform into tiny baby Briggses... It all sounds like something from a sic-fi film, but then natural conception is just as miraculous when you analyse it (which I try not to do very often).

So, the cold facts of baby-making.

Yes, every spiritual fibre (can you have "spiritual fibres??") in me screams that it's unnatural and not how you'd choose it. Of course it's not!! But we have to face facts. In medical terms, in relation to fertility, I'm up there with the dinosaurs. I'm about the oldest, most shrivelled thing to walk the planet! I imagine my ovaries like a couple of wizened old walnuts (nice!). Stop it, my acupuncturist tells me. Imagine that inside you're 20 years old, and everything is at it's prime (you wish, Alex! That's the closest you're going to get to a 20 year old!! I hope...).

Oh yeah, I didn't mention the acupuncture. She's fab, but God it hurts! Good practice for the injections, I guess. She's trying to get my energies all flowing in the right direction. I'm amazed she found any, but she tells me they're there, buried under all the stress! She's reassuring but practical, compassionate but realistic, and I like her. except when she's putting the needles in. Then she's a witch.

My husband is doing his best. His wife has turned into this slightly unpredictable, hugely emotional, weepy irrational knot of longing. Of course, the first 3.5 years of marriage have well prepared him for this. Let's face it, I am usually a "slightly unpredictable, hugely emotional, weepy, irrational knot of something" - just right now it happens to be down to the IVF.

So, we soldier on. I swing from happy to manically depressed and back to hopeful again, and Alex sits on the sidelines trying to say the right thing and asking me "how long till the injections start?" in an apprehensively-supportive- voice... It's a helpless feeling, knowing this huge important thing cannot be influenced by us. We're both control freaks - we have no control right now, and it's really hard.

I just FEEL this baby, you know? Sometimes, lying in the dark, I think I feel a baby move - silly I know. I wake up some mornings and wonder where my baby is - and then remember she isn't even here (yet?). I almost feel her, almost smell her, ALMOST touch her... But you can't be almost pregnant, can you? Then I tell myself "in three weeks time you might be pregnant" - so maybe I "almost" am...

There's nothing missing from my life in terms of what I already have. I am more deeply and intensely in love than I could ever have imagined possible. I have a wonderful son and step children, and a home I love, and job... I am so lucky. It is not that I am trying to complete my life, or fill a gap exactly. It's just that I want Alex's baby so much, and I feel this child so close to me but just out of reach, and I can't give up on her.

So, there's the challenge of the day for January 26th.

It's right up there with

1. Can I resist the bar of chocolate on my desk? (that will be a no, then)

and

2. Alex is cooking dinner tonight - my challenge there being NOT to say "I usually don't cook it that way, honey"... "have you thought about adding any water"... or "if you do it that way, the oven might explode"...

Hope your day is working out well - what challenges have you got...???

The Worst Driver EVER -

2007-01-25T16:05:00.001Z

now that's what I call a challenge!! At least my day didn't start like this!!

The challenge today - morning madness

2007-01-25T11:36:00.000Z

I wonder how many other Mums are sitting at their computer during their lunch break at work feeling the way I do this morning? Loads of us, right?!

The morning started with the usual spin of activity, the snooze button being hit three times despite my husband saying he HAD to leave by 7.30am... get him packed up and sent off into the frosty day... then the madness of breakfast, loading the dogs, child and paraphernalia in to the car (did you brush your teeth? your hair looks a mess!!..) - today is keyboard lesson, so that had to be squashed into the car too (in the back seat as the door to the front was frozen shut, jeez it's cold in the UK today!!) - to arrive at school, put the keyboard into the staffroom, deposit the child into his classroom, and then realise that with all the items I did remember, I had left my bag and mobile at home. .. back home, grab bag, screech into work with dogs (yes, I take my dogs to work!) and try to get my head into "work" mode... Phew! I feel like a did a day's work already!!

I wonder how many other Mum's are still recovering from the madness of the morning...

But then I feel lucky - my son is happily at school, my dogs are stretched out in the one small sunny spot in my office, my husband just started a new job and is happy, my job is great, and I can make myself a cup of tea whenever I want and enjoy the company of others... I am guessing lots of Mums are now back home with a pile of chores and demanding infants, wishing they had my freedom...

Mind you, the pile of chores will be waiting patiently when I get home (damn, did I switch the dishwasher on before I left?...)

Anyway, work calls - I'm an HR Director, so that keeps me busy!

So, to all other Mums - and Dads - that have stumbled into work today on the back of a million other priorities - I found this great quote this morning... enjoy!

"Life - The wind may blow from any direction, but the direction in which you go depends on how you set your sails"

Nothing unusual!

2007-01-24T17:09:00.000Z

There is nothing unusual about my situation - well, that's not quite true, but there's plenty of time to talk about all that!

How does everyone juggle the "challenge of life"? Kids, pets, work, home, husbands, wives etc etc. Well, I wondered if this were the place to find out! Maybe it's a place to reach out across the world and share a laugh, a story and maybe even a tear sometimes, in the challenges that all of us face every day in order the earn the title of being "human". Whatever that means!

If you've found this blog, and are actually reading it, then I am truly amazed! My husband is the whizz at this, not me. He has a wonderful blog, and he writes with passion about his friends and family. I resist this type of technology, I dig in my heels and say it's "sad" and "silly". But maybe he's right, and world is linked in a million ways I don't quite get. So, my step into the world of blogging begins. ..