a heartbeat, and losing your two front teeth

So, all is going well!

We had our booking appointment with the midwife on Tuesday, and she managed to find a heartbeat. We have seen this tiny fluttering heart of our baby twice in the really early scans, but never actually heard it before. It was like hearing this baby "talk" for the first time - a sound that told us that all is well. I don't know if other women that have been pregnant feel this way (sure they do!), but a month is long time between the last scan and this appointment. There are days when I truly think I have imagined the whole, wonderful thing. It seems so unreal, and hard to comprehend, that I am growing a person! Especially after the IVF and protection mechanisms you develop to try and deal with the disappointment if it doesn't work. It's really hard to re-programme and believe in it all!

Hearing a heartbeat helps that re-programming more than anything!

So, one more hurdle. We have the nuchal scan on Saturday to find out about abnormalities and Down's syndrome etc. That whole topic is so huge, I shall avoid starting to write about it! I am focused on this baby being healthy and well, and not letting myself entertain any negative thoughts!

onto other things...

My son lost two teeth in the same day! He thinks he looks so cool ,whilst I try not to laugh at his lisp! This was taken just before the next one fell out!! Thank goodness we don't have to watch him wriggling it any more...



Finally, a quote for my husband.

"One sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best".
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

I love you

Our Little Miracle

Feeling a bit overwhelmed about being pregnant today - in a good way! This little soul is the same size (11 weeks) as our growing baby!

"Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is miracle." Marianne Williamson

Easter fun, and the simple life

I have neglected my blog entirely, but for good reasons.

We have just had a wonderful Easter break, with my son, my step daughter and my husband's stepson (my double stepson as my son calls him!).

We had planned all sorts of lovely days out - a visit to the Natural History Museum in London, shopping trips so the kids could spend their Easter money etc.

A strange thing happened on the way to Easter...

Firstly and unusually for the UK, the weather got great just around the holidays. Not great, but FANTASTIC! We have had hot sunny days that rarely coincide with bank holidays or Easter vacations! So, we made the most of it - we got outside, and enjoyed all that nature has to offer - and suddenly, when faced with the days out to London, and money spending trips, the kids voted with their hearts. "No thanks", was their unequivocal response - we'd rather do the simple (read "fun") stuff.

So we did.

For 5 days we played and played...




and the only support needed was a good picnic...



and a place to build dens..



and swing and climb on trees...



We're exhausted! But in a great way! Even the dogs had fun!!



I wonder which holiday our kids will remember most, when in the years to come, we talk about Easter breaks??

I'll put my money on this one...

I'm normal!! (yes, I know what you're thinking but it's official)

I have been hopeless!

I haven't posted for a few days.

I found that a strange thing happened to me.

When I first started this on-line "diary", I found it exciting to be able to put my thoughts down in this way, share IVF dramas with family and friends, connect with others, and generally release all sorts of emotions that were sort-of stuck in me.

That felt fine, until recently, when I started to have some bleeding, and real fears that things were not going well with my pregnancy. Suddenly, I felt very exposed. I felt as if I'd said too much, revealed too much, made myself vulnerable through this blog, and I kind of "ran to ground". There I have lurked, with an odd glance at my favourite blogs, whilst I settled my nerves at sharing this intimate time in my life with my family, friends (and blog friends) across the world.

Two days ago (I am almost scared to write this), the bleeding stopped. The morning (and lunchtime and especially evening sickness) upped it's impact and swamped me like a wave. Suddenly, from my hidey hole, I felt like this baby was settling down and all is well. Instead of feeling vulnerable, I wanted to share this and who better than my blog family and friends!

Strange, how that happened. My friends tell me (Sheila, that's especially you!!) that when I'm in trouble, they always know. I crawl off somewhere like a wounded animal and all falls silent. I guess even in the blogosphere, we have the same traits.

So - the news!! I am now 9 weeks pregnant, all is well, the baby scan at 8 weeks showed a healthy little baby and very obvious heartbeat. I am now discharged from the fertility unit, and into "normal" care. That feels significant!!

My husband (you must read his latest post, although it will hurt) picked his daughter and step-son up yesterday, so I had lots of questions from her over breakfast this morning. It's the first time I've seen her since the test was positive on 1st March. My son told her the baby is the size of a strawberry, has webbed hands and feet and it's tail is disappearing. "tail??" said my stepdaughter, with her nose screwed up. "yeah, it's got a tail - like a tadpole" said my son with the expertise of a seven-year old. Then they laughed their heads off.

"Normal" feels pretty good...

Grumpy Cow

I remember now why I called this blog "The Challenge of Life"!

Take a mother with a hip replacement, a father who is misbehaving even more than usual in terms of his temper, add a husband who has decided it is time to give my father some home truths about his behaviour (and is perfectly justified might I add), and then, just for good measure, add a bit more bleeding this morning out of the blue - and "just relax" doesn't really seem to fit!

Two of my closest friends are charging (separately) around Australia with their families, so I can't pick up the phone and have a whinge to either of them like I normally would! (Perhaps the fact they've both gone to Australia should tell me something... hmmm....) Life feels a bit of an uphill struggle just now. I know that most of the world are having a worse time. I know I should be counting blessings, and I am, honestly.

I feel in my heart that all is well with the baby, and I am not allowing myself a single negative thought (well, officially!!). We have the 8 week scan on Thursday, so two days to wait and then we'll hopefully get confirmation that all is OK. Another hurdle. I cannot wait for the 12 week moment, when I can really enjoy all this, and R.E.L.A.X.!!

I am trying to be calmer and less "hyper". For mine, and the baby's sake and most definitely for my long-suffering Husband's sake. I know he's sitting at work today feeling unfairly treated. Last night I was mad-hormonal-grumpy-cow-from-hell and I don't really know why. I ranted and raved and I was horrible. FOUL! I hope he reads this today, and knows my heart is heavy, and that I am sorry. I was wrong, wrong, wrong.

If you get a moment, read my husband's last blog post. He's an amazing man. He is the most complicated, difficult, intense and impossible human being I have ever met. He is also the most loving, bravest, loyal, gentle, thoughtful, reflective, intelligent, knowledgeable human being I have ever met. It makes for an amazing life with him. Add in my own intense, often ridiculous and not-always-very-grown-up way of handling things, and it can go spectacularly right and sometimes the absolute opposite...

I wish I could change my often-angry response to things. It ALWAYS leads to me feeling bad. It often leads to my lovely husband feeling bad.

I read this today;

"Real Happiness
Are you beyond happiness and sorrow? Is your life, your day, a series of peaks and troughs - one minute ecstatic, next minute depressed. If you are up and down, even a little, it probably feels normal, because the swings between such extremes have been with you for so long. But you don't need the ups and downs to make life feel alive. In fact the ups we call happiness are not really happiness but a kind of false interpretation of happiness. Real happiness is not the result of rising out of depression, and it does not result into falling into regular periods of depression. Real happiness is stable, constant, lasting, not dependent on anyone or anything. Sometimes we call it contentment or serenity or joy. But it's not excitement. Excitement will result in depression. Happiness just is. It's hard to imagine it after a life of highs and lows. Faced with the choice of constant, stable contentment and all the ups and downs, some people choose to stay with the ups and downs. And this is called addiction. The ups are dependent on something and that something just does not last forever. To discover real happiness don't pursue it and don't make it dependent on anything"

seems a pretty good note to end on today...

I put this picture up (my favourite of our wedding day), to remind myself I am not always a grumpy wife

Rollercoaster Week

Thank you to everyone who has shown so much interest in my Mum's recovery. It has been very touching and I have been moved by your comments very much.

After a pretty horrendous experience during the operation (imagine someone with a hammer and chisel taking off your hip bone whilst you're conscious - I am not joking), and the first night in intense pain, she is well on the road to recovery.

It has been an exhausting roller-coaster, but thank God we are now on the gentler slope!

We're all going to the hospital again tonight to see her, and she sounded bright and "normal" this morning.

So, hopefully, things will continue to improve!

I am having a tiny bit of bleeding at the moment, so I'm obviously concerned about the baby, but trusting all is well and keeping focussed on our healthy little star growing the way it should be inside me.

What a week...!

My Mum

My mum is having a hip replacement today - right now, actually.

My heart is all knotted up with the worry of it. In September last year, she was on a cruise with my father in Egypt. Her hip was a little sore, there seemed something not quite right. In the space of six months, she has virtually lost it's use altogether.

She moves by hanging on to furniture.

She looks so old, and it hurts to watch her flinching and catching her breath when a step hurts even more than usual. My Mum never complains. When you ask, she says "I'm fine". She's far from "fine".

She cried when it snowed a few weeks back, and she couldn't come sledging on the slopes with my son and I. My heart ached so much that day.



So today, they will give her an epidural, she will listen to headphone music to drown out the sound of the saw (I kid you not), and they will take out this ragged, worn thing that she used to fling me up onto when I was a baby and carry me round on, and give her a shiny new one.

The next few weeks will be painful, and her progress will probably be slow.

I try to look on the good side of it all. The pain will initially be intense, but within a few weeks, she'll be making great progress, we hope. The Spring is almost here. She'll be able to enjoy the summer. As I get fatter and slower with my pregnancy, she'll get faster and fitter!! I like that thought!

I just want to pick her up on a Saturday morning, and walk the dogs with her on a sunny day. I just want to take her for coffee, and not worry how close I can park to the cafe. I just want to go shopping with her at the weekend, and not care what time we get home.

I just want my Mum back.