Beautiful Bruges and some amazing news...

We just had a wonderful wedding anniversary weekend, staying in Liege, then Brussels, and ending up in Bruges, all in Belgium.

Alex was working in Germany, so I caught the Eurostar over (first time I ever went through the tunnel!), and we met up in Leuven. Actually, that sounds planned. In reality, I caught a hopelessly slow train in a moment of panic from Brussels to Liege, and realised too late it would take forever to get there - so clambered off at Leuven and eventually Alex found me!

First night was a castle in the middle of nowhere! It was fantastic!



Then off to the bright lights of Brussels via a fascinating Japanese Garden with the most amazing Koi Carp!


(and a meal in the evening only memorable by the fact that a. it was the most expensive of the trip and b. it was absolutely foul!! Vegetarianism has not hit Brussels!!

Saturday we drove to Bruges, one of our very favourite cities, and spent two days of total relaxation here...

It was wonderful, and we had a fabulous time! I saw on a website today someone referring to a holiday they had taken whilst pregnant as a "babymoon" as opposed to a "honeymoon". This was definitely what we did! A chance for time together before a certain little person arrives in a few months time!!

Speaking of the certain little person, one more piece of news...




We are over the moon! It is more than I ever dreamt of! Although of course, I did dream of her.

I wrote this back in January, right at the start of my IVF:

<em>I just FEEL this baby, you know? Sometimes, lying in the dark, I think I feel a baby move - silly I know. I wake up some mornings and wonder where my baby is - and then remember she isn't even here (yet?). I almost feel her, almost smell her, ALMOST touch her... But you can't be almost pregnant, can you? Then I tell myself "in three weeks time you might be pregnant" - so maybe I "almost" am...

There's nothing missing from my life in terms of what I already have. I am more deeply and intensely in love than I could ever have imagined possible. I have a wonderful son and step children, and a home I love, and job... I am so lucky. It is not that I am trying to complete my life, or fill a gap exactly. It's just that I want Alex's baby so much, and I feel this child so close to me but just out of reach, and I can't give up on her.

It makes me feel very humbled to read this. SHE is now real, she is growing inside me, and in around 25 weeks, we will finally get to meet our daughter... and, yes - of course I have tears in my eyes as I type this!!

Am I being paranoid or is the wrong person reading this?

A conversation I had yesterday got me wondering.

Who reads our blogs?

I started this as an on-line diary, and primarily a way of keeping in touch with family and friends - espeically if, like us, your family and friends are spread out around half the world! Then - how exciting and a bit scary - you find that someone you've never met reads your blog. More than one "someone". hmmm. Feels pretty funny. Then you get some lovely comments, and support, and friendship, and it feels pretty good.

But what if somewone was reading your blog, your intimate account of your life and your thoughts, and you didn't want them to?? Someone who doesn't like you? Someone who doesn't want to read good things, who isn't in the circle of close people you wish to communicate personal parts of your life with. Like your ex-partner, or ex-friend, someone you don't communicate those type of thoughts and feelings with any more..

Does it matter?

Does it change the way you write? For sure, I think it does! Does it sanitise, dilute your expression knowing that your blog might be read by the "wrong" person, someone who could never come into your home and pick up your diary and flick through it? Yes! Someone you work with, who might read it for the wrong reasons? I truly love my job, but as a Director of a charity, I think I have a responsibility to never write about work. There's a whole big section of my life (and passion) that never makes it to my blog for this reason.

I don't mean to sound paranoid, but this concept of modern accessiblity interests me. I'm not the techno-genius my husband is. I'm an old-fashioned wrtie-it-in-a-book-and-put-it-away-safely kinda gal!

I think my take is that, for all the vulnerability it allows, it's still a fantastic way to reach out to your family and friends, and access the world.

What do you think??... (whoever you are)...

the longest 48 hours ever!

Well, I am surfacing from the most horrendous few days ever. Yes, I really mean that - EVER!

It started last Thursday. We were just going off to bed when suddenly I started bleeding. After a trip to A & E, I had a scan booked for Friday morning. I was terrified. I didn't think you could bleed that much and still have a healthy baby...

The scan was fine. The baby's heartbeat was galloping away, all measurements fitted with dates, and I skipped out of the examination room with a heart as light as a feather.

Saturday, the elation was still very much present. We went for our nuchal scan to test for Down's Syndrome or other chromosomal abnormalities. We were both very optimistic. Everything so far has gone so far in our favour, that I truly had a sense of complete trust in the results.

The sense of shock that followed was devastating. We were given a risk factor of 1 in 27 that our baby had Down's. Yes, that means 26 chances that it doesn't, but compared to what I expected, maybe 300 to 1, it was a huge shock.

We decided there and then to have a further invasive test called CVS. This is a huge decision - the risk of losing the baby is present, particularly after the bleed I'd had two days before. But with Alex leaving on Monday for a few days at a conference in Cologne, it seemed the only way he could be with me for the test and possible complications afterwards.

Two hours after having the scan and results, I found myself having the invasive test. The terminology was terrifying, not to mention to size of the needle. Jeeez. Then we had to drive into London to deliver the biopsy taken from the baby's placenta for testing.

We waited. 48 hours for the results. It was the longest 48 hours of my entire life.

Then came the call from my husband - the news we'd prayed for - our baby is fine. There is no Down's, no abnormalities, and all is well.

I cannot put into words how I felt, and judging by the emotion in my husband's voice, I know he felt the same way.

Right now, I truly feel like the luckiest woman alive. My son whooped with joy, and hugged me tight, and then kissed my tummy. My stepdaughter "howled" on the phone (in her father's words!).

Now it's time to start truly enjoying this pregnancy, in the sure knowledge that our baby is healthy and well. Nothing much else seems to matter right now....

Well, actually, lots of things do. My son is healthy and happy and enjoying school and life in general. My husband got to see his daughter today after a difficult three weeks apart... and will have dinner with some friends in Cologne tonight. We had wonderful support from our family and friends during this awful time (we didn't tell you all to spare you our worry, but now you know!!). Finally, it's my wedding anniversary on Sunday, and I have some wonderful time ahead with my husband this weekend.

But the news that our baby is fine, and healthy, that takes some beating!